I Should Be Really Excited

We commited. We're in, to the tune of about five grand. Agency fees and home study fees.

And we're kind of avoiding the subject. I sent perky little emails to the home study social worker and the agency people, all about fingerprinting and yes, limb differences are ok as long as it's not legs...Oh great.

What are we doing? Have we lost our minds? Is life not hard enough with three little kids that we feel compelled to add a toddler with some kind of issue who doesn't speak the language and has been raised in a Chinese orphanage and will probably hate us for weeks and then need all kinds of special this and that and the other--speech therapy, ESL, who knows what? Beau will bite her and Gertie will push her off of things and Bart will just moulder away from neglect.

Part of me says this is the same stuff I would think if I were pregnant. Well, except for the whole Chinese thing, but you know what I mean--the this is going to be a disaster of enormous porportions thing. Ginormous, even.

But we could turn back. Five grand is nothing if this is really the wrong decision...even as I type that I know that's not what I want either. But I don't feel like I thought I'd feel.

Probably only the beginning.